I have been doing some reflecting over the past first quarter of this year. Everyday gets more reflective until all that remains is glare so I need to unload some reflsction into writing. And not structure it around characters and have them take what im trying to say into other directions. Dumb characters.
Lets start with the internet. I am so over the internet. Everywhere I go I see exactly the same thing, everyone is striving to be noticed. It is everywhere. And its not the creators of web content. Its the fans, they make me sick. why does everyone feel they need to tell people what they thought of something. Why do people need to announce what they thought of that comment. And oh man hope you arent one of those people that creates something the masses on whole disagree with because everyone hates you for your opinion. I am not speaking from experience, I am largely ignored on the internet and I am happy about that. No this is from observation, every day i go read reviews of things ive seen, to kill time mostly. Then I read what people thought about that review. theres where humanity gets depressing and i have to read something else to get my mind off it. And the cycle repeats and I stay awake until 2.30am until i cant stay awake any longer, sleep and then do pretty much the same the next day. Ugh, i am so over that.
My friends online have all suddenly disappeared from online and prowling around waiting for them to come back is not good for me.
I have tried putting my opinions out there, tried to join them not beat them but its no good. I just cant do it anymore. So internet i am over you.
I need to find something else to do to fill my time now because this. this is not healthy.
Movies. I am over movies. I am over reccomending the few good movies to people both friends and customers because no one listens to me when i tell them a movie is good. Perhaps I have too high of a standard, but I think its just there is too much crap.
Then i realise there were a whole team of people that put their life into this crap and it makes me feel sad. There is no hope it seems, of making something good. Why bother creating if it'll just get swallowed by the mediocre. Too late i realise that the intricacies of film/television and writing are just not worth it. Great, now what?
Friends. I love my friends but am always worried that the feelings are not mutual or rather not as mutual. Mostly I feel neglected and unappreciated. Would I really be missed if I ran off to start a new life?
Am I only a friend people can catch up with while others are around. One on one time with scott plus roseanna was strange and awkward. Was it just cause I was tired and starving, a little depressed and directionless? Was it roseanna or have we just grown apart?
It was fine when natalie was around and then I just ran out of things to say when we left. Constantly apoligising for being lame. I was disgusted with myself. For apoligising.
Natalie and Scott both said they have forgotten most of their childhood. I remember all of mine. Perhaps that is my problem, I am still a child.
I still believe a boy and a girl can be friends without it implying anything sexual ever.
I still like to watch cartoons, I like to sing and dance. I like to pretend. I like to be silly. And I stay away from anything adult like learning to drive, cook, pay bills or teach.
Which is why I want to live alone so I can actually be in charge of everything I rely on.
Recently, I came to another conclusion about me: I'm scared of success. Not failure but success. People paying attention to me, watching what I do, critiquing what I do. Fans arguing over the decline of my work. Forums beholding me and others detesting.
But more to the point its the 'now what?' I say I hate being stuck in this waiting mode but i still could be doing something while I wait.
I was offered a chance to film some dance performance or something, awesome customer helping out because he remembers me from uni (though I do not him) I have had the business card for two weeks and have not rung or texted it. I make up excuses, oh not till after the wedding, oh im sick, oh i forgot. And i wondered, why? Why do I keep putting off asking what they want me to do? Because I am scared. Of being successful, of leaving this life behind and venturing into the unknown.
The devil you know is better then the devil you dont.
Yet I am forcing myself to move into the unknown territory of wellington because I love the city yet I have no plan. Winging it. It seems inconsistent. But its not. I'll be escaping to wellington where I no doubt will talk about how I want to do something, but i never will and I'll grow increasingly miserable until finally I decide to return back home to do my masters degree for no other reason but what else.
And there I did it again, I have sabotaged wellington, already coming to terms with failure.
But what I need to do is come to terms with success. What would it be like if I try something and am good at it?
Its the same in all aspects of my life, I dont do anything because I am already sure of my failure.
Relationships fail around me all the time, why would anyone get into something thats doomed from the start. I approached uni the same way, I never tried 100%, i never put my entire self into it. I did the work sure but I always went in predicting failure. I stated it over and over. In this diary. Worried about terrible grades that never came. (well maybe twice)
Then when I finished uni I found the whole thing worthless, a four year degree that I dont feel I earned. A degree I feel is worthless and pointless, no one cares about it. And back to predicting doom and gloom.
What is wrong with me? I know this is wrong and I cant stop. I dont look forward to the future, I just ride it out until its over. It needs to stop.
If I receive positive feedback I think people are lying to spare my feelings, and if I receive negative feedback I agree and eventually stop the project.
I think being proud of my work is lame because I would come across as arrogant, and so I degrade it before I let people read or watch.
A terrible webseries about terrible people developing terrible abilities. Yes that is how i describe one of my current projects. Its the tagline.
Is it any wonder why I am over media?
Sometimes I wish I could arbitrarily wake up back in 1997 but retain my memories of the past 12 years and live a better life. But then things get complicated when I have to not mess up certain things that benefit others and then act surpised when it eventually happens. Sigh then I imagine scenarios of what if this happened. Mostly I end up getting shot by zealots who arent ready to accept my predictions.
I did come to the conclusion that I wouldnt watch tv or movies anymore as I would have seen them, all the popular and good ones anyway.
So then what would I do, homework that I hadnt done for twelve years? Whould I dumb myself down or would the quality be more or less the same?
My ability to draw and create is pretty much the same as back then, my stories would be better I suppose but not 12 year old appropriate. Hmm.
Great, its 1am again. I wanted to go to bed at 8.30. see this is what the internet does, and I feel no better then I did when I started.
